Me: “Do you want to hang out?”
Him: “It’s up to you.”
Me: “Imma chill. :)”
Him: “Ok.”
At that very moment, I decided, with a slight feeling of being let down because he didn’t desire to hang out with me in the way I wanted him to in my head, I was complete. I hadn’t seen him get excited about anything. I knew this was his ammo, but why did I feel so disappointed? I think I knew it would be the last time I would see him in the way I’d signed up for four months ago, and the time had finally come for me to stop signing up to have my feelings hurt/not get my needs met. I had had enough. And not in the way where I was fed up, nope, I was truly at peace with my decision to say, “Imma just chill,” and his response, “ok.” (There was a follow-up, but I’ll save that for another time!)
Usually, I would have said, “I am on my way,” and made my way to his house, where I had only been invited maybe three times. The other times went like our conversation above, thinking that his typical response, “It's up to you,” was good enough. It was no longer good enough! It never was, but I kept signing up time and time again to hurt my own feelings.
Maybe my turning 42 yrs. old in a matter of minutes had something to do with my desire to stop going out of my way for someone who was apathetic to the idea of spending time with me and almost always left it up to me. Ultimately, it was up to me, but I still wanted to be desired, invited, sought after, appreciated, and loved. I don't know when apathy became appealing, but at that moment, I was no longer interested.
To wrap it up, he is not an enemy or a bad guy, nor is any of this a fault. It is who he is and who he has always been. I realized we are not/have never been on the same timeline, but I like him. I am curious about and attracted to him, so that kept me in a state of accepting what I do not desire for far too long. I am a practitioner of not taking anything personal, and as much as my feelings are hurt and there is a subtle ache in my belly, this was the right thing for me to do. Stay home. Write this letter and feel my feelings. Take it personally and then move on.
I wish to remember my power, tenderness, aloar, appeal, and brilliance. This quote I saw on Threads is an excellent reminder as I walk into this new era:
“May you attract someone who is grateful that every step of their life led them right to you.” - Yung Pueblo
Another year wiser is a blessing; don’t delay your joy! Start the moment your intuition speaks and you listen. Someone is/will desire you just as much as you choose them, and friend, I know I am done settling.
Thanks for reading. Stay brave in your pursuit of JOY!
Love,
Alicia, your favorite Ram
