I am writing this from The Bird’s kitchen counter in Lawrenceville, GA. The Birds are my childhood best friend’s parents, whom I have known since I was 14. They have known and seen me through so many iterations as I've grown into the woman I am today. I lived with them after my mom died, so I had a place to go during college breaks. This allowed me to keep my job at Publix and earn extra money during breaks, as well as on weekends when I came home.
Over the years, we have gotten closer, but there was a moment when Mrs. Bird and my childhood friend stopped speaking to me. It was justified. I was an angry hot mess who refused to deal with the death of my mother, and instead of working through the grief, I buried it, and it buried me. I drank way too much and expected everyone to feel sorry for me and let me work my shit out in my way. But here’s the thing…I wasn’t doing any of the work. So how could they be there for me? How could they understand what I was going through when I wasn’t communicating what I was actually going through? They couldn’t…I didn’t even know what I was going through, but I knew my heart was broken. I knew I was sad, mad, and frustrated, and felt like I was now all alone in the world. My mom…my person…my superhero wasn’t here anymore, and I didn’t know how to deal. Who would? But here’s the thing…I wasn’t alone, and thank God the Bird Family never abandoned me, but I needed that lesson to wake the fuck up!
I would either end up alone, in jail, dead, or in a ditch somewhere if I didn’t get myself together and take accountability for my grief and my mourning. It was time to grieve!
Grief is patient. It will wait for you until you are ready, and it will do so kindly. We tend to avoid calling it precisely what it is, and it is a part of life that reminds us of our profound capacity to love. Grief is love!
I avoided coming back to Atlanta for the last eight years as I dived deeper into the work that I am put here to do, run my business, and heal my heart. I didn’t know how I needed to feel to be back in Atlanta, but I knew a week before I got here, and after clearing my heart wall and releasing the serpent that sat over my heart, I was ready.
While here, I went to a new friend I met in Jamaica's birthday field-day party, met a beautiful man (yep!), stayed at another childhood friend’s home (love you Cris, Bodhi, Brian, Batman and Robin), went to her parents pool, experienced many rainstorms that were divine, ate lunch with my soul-sister from church, Crystal, parked in a loading zone and didn’t worry a second about a ticket, looked for matcha more times than I can count (I live in LA, ok!), and stumbled upon a over 45 (but they were all easily over 65) singles meet-up group. The biggest heart-healing thing was visiting the apartment community we lived in growing up and the one where my mother passed…it was all so poetic, healing, funny, and on time. I'm so happy I came home — and it’s only Thursday!
The journey to where I am today, at this very moment, didn’t happen overnight. It has taken 23 years to get here, and it has required a commitment to doing the work. It’s required me to ask for help, be vulnerable about my fears, take accountability for my part, and be honest with myself in the process. It has not been perfect, not even close, but it’s been mine. I thank God every day for this beautiful, messy, successful, and generous life. I am grateful to my village, family, teachers, lovers, homies, and friends who have been with me, whether you are still here or our time has come to an end. It’s all equal, in my opinion, because without all of you, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
Stay Brave in your pursuit of joy isn’t only a mantra, it’s a way of life, a code, a calm, and a reason. May you all know the journey you are on is sacred, and you stay blessed all the way.
With love,
Your favorite Ram
