My platonic wife, Jordan, has a baby boy named Henry, who is two. She shared a video where he was “hula hooping,” and not one hoop was hula’d. It dropped to the ground the minute he put it over his head. You know what, that did not stop him from moving his lil baby hips in a circle, thinking the hoop was, in fact, hooping. It brought me, and still brings, so much joy into my life. I told my friend, “that right there is a reflection of a good mama because he doesn’t know that its not moving around him because you know what, it does not matter, he BELIEVES! I told her, “if faith of a mustard seed were a person, I’d be Henry in this moment.”
Since my birthday, everything has looked and felt different, and perhaps that is the whole point: to learn to let go, have faith/believe, and accept things as they are, not as I wish them to be. But like…how long will it take? Can a girl get a calendar invite or a projected timeline to ensure I am as prepared as possible, and there’s no need for anyone to circle back?
"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move.” Matthew 17:20
In my research, aka Google search, I found the origin of the word mustard, which was interesting. “Earlier in the 20th century, people even went around calling each other mustard! He's mustard, for example, means “He's great.” It's this idea of mustard as “excellent” or “great” that seems to be at work in cut the mustard,” from Dictionary.com.
Over the last year, I’d say “Mustaaaaaaaaaard”, referring to DJ Mustard, has become more popular thanks to the Kendrick Lamar vs. Drake-Gate, even though his impact in the music industry dates back to 2009. I love it and find myself in moments where I need to remember to keep the faith, oddly enough, yelling out, “Mustaaaaaaaaaard,” heals and calms. Try it right now! How’d that feel?
At forty-two, I’m vacillating between wanting to be in a relationship more than anything, to making amends with the fact that one might not be in the cards for me…or at least not in the capacity I’d imagined. Yet I keep the faith! I keep my faith because when I “give up,” I really never give up. I get tired, sad, and mad, and offer compassion for my humanity.
I’ve come too far by faith to give up, but that doesn’t mean I am not shaken at times by fear of being alone.
There was a moment recently when I was offended by someone’s careless words, which made me lean on the old tribe, “men are trash,” but that’s not really how I feel. I was mad, and my feelings were hurt, as I know some beautiful men who are, in fact, not trash. I wish they would hold classes on how not to be a dumpster-fire of a man so we as women can be safe, protected, and free to be ourselves. I mean…imma do me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my moments. Remember…human-ness.
The thing is, I am not alone, and when these moments happen, I take a moment to love on my inner child and remind her that we are not alone, and everything has worked out for us so far — and it will continue. I remind her we have the greatest friends a girl could ask for, have built a community, and are part of a village of the best souls on earth. The faith of a mustard seed embodied souls.
I say all this to emphasize that I will not give up on love. This week, I told a guy I have a crush on him, and it went well, so there is hope. I am working on some truly amazing projects with friends, where faith is not just one aspect, but everything. I will keep the faith even if, on some days, it’s the size of a mustard seed. “Mustaaaaaaaaard, " hahaha. I love that a rap beef can bring out the best in the American people…we all we got!
In love and faith,
Alicia aka ACE
